This is ME.

Being authentic isn’t something you are taught. In fact it’s the exact opposite.

We spend so much time in our childhood and the environments we are raised in trying to be what we think others want us to be. We adapt in order to keep ourselves safe, and to survive.

The day of my birth was the definition of trauma. I was born in prison (yes for real), thirty minutes later my uncle passed away in a terrible car accident, my dad was not allowed to see my mom (or to meet me) at the hospital & that was the day my family fell apart. Explain that to little me in a way that would make sense…

I grew up hearing story after story about my birth and the events that proceeded it. How my aunts betrayed my dad, my dad disappointed our family, and through all of it they some how still loved and cared about one another but could not stand to be in the same room as one another. I couldn’t help but think about how I was all to blame. If I hadn’t of been born, none of the fighting would have ever started.

So, I grew up fast and wanted to be the ‘easy kid’, the ‘good kid’, the kid that they never had to ‘worry about’. If I was complacent then no one would have to see me. If no one saw me then I wouldn’t have to be the one who reminded them all of the pain that was caused. I became the kid with perfect grades, that always did her chores and rarely got in trouble. I excelled in high school and immediately went to college. I did all the ‘right’ things to make my family, particularly my dad proud.

Let’s be clear…. I’m not ashamed of that person I was. It has motivated me to work my ass off to get here, writing this blog, owning multiple businesses and appearing to have it all together. Without my childhood, I probably wouldn’t have developed this passion to be a role model for others, to show them what healing can look like, and how people can genuinely change their lives.

But somewhere along the way, I lost myself.

It wasn’t until a psychedelic journey of my own that I realized that little girl I once knew didn’t feel as close to home as I thought she was. That little girl, wearing a backwards hat and a silly smirk was happy. She didn’t have life figured out, she didn’t know what heartbreak or loss was yet but she was carefree. She was living life for herself and not a care in the world of what other people thought. In that same journey, I saw my higher-self. The most beautiful, powerful, light I had ever witnessed. At first, I was intimidated, I didn’t know who this magical, perfect being was - but the second it hit me I burst into tears. I saw ME. Every inch of me.

It was after that experience that I left with so much soul driven energy to stop living life for everyone else. I love owning my business and showing up for my clients, but I didn’t love being a welcome mat for everyone else to wipe their feet on when things got hard or when they were uncomfortable with expectations. I didn’t like showing up to family events and feeling that everyone in the room hated me and secretly had resentments towards me. So, I tried to have a story or a proud moment to brag about so they would approve of me. I wanted to show up for my staff and being the person in the room they all liked and approved of. Meanwhile, my values and boundaries were all being compromised.

Being authentic is a daily practice that forces us to focus on ourselves, for once. It can be big, life-altering choices such as choosing who you marry or where you live but let’s not forget about the daily small micro-choices. When is the last time you bought ice cream because you wanted it? When is the last time you redecorated a room in the house they way you wanted to? Took a moment to rest, put your feet up and watch some cringy tv-show because you just needed an hour? Told friends no, because you really wanted to stay in and pamper yourself for the first time in, forever?

I can tell you that years of my life have been taken from me, moments slipped by and values not upheld all because I didn’t want to be seen as the ‘difficult one’, or the one that disappointed people. I am not perfect, by any means, but I have been inspired to create a movement of encouraging and motivating people to live more true to themselves. Making decisions each day because they are in alignment with their own values, needs, and higher-self. Not because they are selfish but without speaking our own truth, and living a life that we want to enjoy - we are then just being.

That isn’t life. That isn’t you. That isn’t me.